Self confidence~

You don't have to be a 200 pounds girl to feel insecure about yourself... i really admire those who have lots of confidence in them... and whatever they do just make people feel "wow" about them... though whenever i meet up with my friends, colleagues and other people, i always talk a lot including silly things and cold jokes... but i think i talk to feel the confidence in myself... i enjoy talking to them to make them laugh or feel diaoz about what i am talking about...

What's inside of me? i find lots of insecurities... i worry about every single thing going on in my life... i cling onto my loved ones for lots of support... on the surface, i try to be someone who is very happy-go-lucky and always laughing and doing silly things... i try to take things easy and not feel so much stress... underneath, i find myself struggling very hard just to get on with life... living can be sometimes torturing... its not about being poor and not being able to live well financially... (which depends on individual definition) in fact, i am very happy about that already... i can survive well on my own... its about being lost and finding no direction in life... i am just walking in the fog and hoping that i dun drop into a hole next moment when i step out...

sometimes i feel like i am living a life for somebody... for this physical body that my soul is residing in... my mum wanted me to study well and get into university... this was her hope for her daughter... so i studied hard and finally graduated from the local university... but now what is the path i should really take? neither my mum nor me had a clear idea about it i think... i have the habit of always listening to others for opinions... i believed in people around me cuz they are more matured and capable than i am... i am so unworthy and so useless to be a good friend or even a good girlfriend to these dear ones who chose to be together with me... i hope one day, i can really pick up confidence about myself and stop feeling so lousy for being fat and ugly and stupid and childish and for whatever bad points that i have...

however one important thing that i learnt -- life is precious so i would not give up easily... kore kara mo gambarimasu!

"200 pounds beauty"

Finally i have ended my sun classes... i was on my way to meet dear for dinner (still standing at tanjong pagar platform waiting) before i received his msg... he actually suggested going for a movie after dinner? hahaha i dunno but i feel its so unlike of him to have such a request? usually we only go for dinner den go home le... =p still, i was very happy... *arigatou*

talking about the movie, its about a fat and ugly girl who has a great voice... she was singing in the backstage for a singer... after being insulted by the singer, she went for plastic surgery to totally change herself into a beautiful woman... by her fren's help, she returned to singing and was rediscovered by the producer whom she was secretly in love with... it was very touching... haha at least i cried several times... i am too easily touched... :s

but the chinese subtitles sucked... got a few parts it was lousily translated... how i know? cuz it had both english and chinese subtitles lor... cant imagine those who are reading the chinese subtitles only... :s

shocked beyond words

was just chatting with my lab partner dean just now... she was mentioning about her close fren, abel... always see him with her in lectures last time... and i always tease them being a couple... when she asked me, do u rem him? i thought its gonna be some good news that they finally got tog? but she just told me that he passed away... -committed suicide- though i believe some point in time, everyone would have this kind of thought going thru' in their minds, this still come across rather shocking to me... maybe cuz recently my colleague's dad passed away due to sickness, i was already feeling bad for her... why do people choose to give up their lives so easily? haiz~